During an If You Can’tBeat Them Join Them moment, the May Contain Nuts team (that would be me)decided to offer you some celebrity gossip. For “gossip” read “any old shit”.For “celebrity” read “who are they again?” (I would provide photos to help withthe old identification thing but I really can’t be arsed.)
Shocking news backstagefrom the U.K. X-Factor auditions. Gary Barlow aka Gazza, aka the used to bechubby one, aka the one who knows how to wring every last £ from a pop song ...has said that there is actually very little real talent out there. Britaingasps with shock and has a sit down with a wee cup of tea and some custardcreams. Nonetheless, his “spokesperson”added, we will still manage to find abunch of girls who can’t sing and bring them together and try to persuade thenation they are The Next Big Thing. They’ll also probably find a bolshy lassfrom a council estate, a yoof who’s working his way through an asbo and anovelty act with big hair and two left feet that Louie will offer a recorddeal (particularly if they are from the oul’ country).
Gwyneth Paltrow, actress,gleeful singer(ish) and fashion designer (of a sort) has dinner with businessmogul Sir Philip Green. Apparently they talked about all kinds of stuff. And ate and drank stuff. In the photos takenby a very helpful waiter – and sold to the tabloids for a week’s wage – SirPhilip is looking very tanned. Gwyneth not so much.
Harry Windsor, just incase you is not totally up to date, he is like, 2nd in line to the,like, king-hat thingy. Oops, MCN is forgetting Charles. Anywho, Harry Ginger,son of Princess Di (there, our circulation figs go through da roof) is dating a(get this) underwear model. Ooooh. Granny Liz says – we are not amused. Oneneeds to sow one’s oats, but puhleeze not with a gel who takes her clothes orfin public. Florence Double Barrel Name, aforementioned underwear model, haslinks to the aristocracy, which is nice, but all things considered that won’tget her an invite to Braemar for drinkies of a winter’s evening.
In other news, KatiePrice wants implants in her bum. A “source” close to the celeb says she’sworried that if her giant tits spontaneously deflate she’ll be left with afigure like a boy. Peter Andre is totally considering botox (try a paper bagmate), Cheryl Cole has gone blonde and is retiring from showbiz (wait, no sheisn’t. Oh yes she is. Oh no she isn’t.) And in a piece of news in which we getto celebrate our inner bitch when we really should be leaving this troubled celebalone, reports say that Amy Winehouse managed to get through an entire song.She’s hoping she can bring the bathroom mirror and hairbrush on stage with herfor the next gig.
And finally there are awhole host of celebrity birthdays today but due to a lack of verification(don’t these people make this shit up?) we’re not going to publish them. Wewouldn’t want to be accused of inaccuracy.
Right, I'm off to have my tongue surgically removed from the inside of my cheek.
Until next time ...
