Many of you know our very good friend Pat (“GimmeaBreak”). She has been a great and intelligent contributor to our subtext study, character depth study, and just about every other topic that we’ve explored here.
Like our previous reviewers, she too, has been recognized on TriggerStreet as “Reviewer of the Month.” She has three stories under her name that have shot up into Top Ten status and a new fourth story called Schism that seems to be headed for similar accolades.
She’s very honest, and I so appreciate her time and thoughts.
-MM
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STRUCTURE:
Act I – three main characters introduced: Rosalind, Donny and Joel. Rosalind’s goal – to get her husband elected. Donny’s goal – to get his book back. Joel’s goal – to get Rosalind to visit Ian. Don’t know which one’s the protag – all three? No antags apparent yet. No idea about the theme. None of the characters are particularly likeable either. Not sure what the opportunity turning point is. Joel filching Donny’s book (and the trip to Florida) could be one but that happens a little late in the act. Rosalind hasn’t made any remarkable decisions through this point and is “rescued” at the end of the first act by her husband so that narrows the possibility that she’s an active protag. Donny hasn’t made any unforced decisions yet, either. Everything he’s done is a result of Joel’s blackmail. Joel is the only one so far to have made any affirmative decisions or taken a proactive stance.
Act II – the “change of plans” turning point should be a decision made by the protag that takes him/her in a new direction. There’s a change of plans, for sure, but it’s Donny throwing Rosalind into the Neon’s trunk that changes her plans, not a decision she, herself, made. Again, she’s not an active protag. Things happen to her and around her – she just reacts to circumstances. Midway through the second act, there should have been a “point of no return” where the protag decides that there’s no turning back, that she has to see the thing out come hell or high water. I can’t find anything that resembles this turning point. There’s a point where Rosalind thinks about leaving but Donny pulls her out of the cab rather than Rosalind taking the action. Also, near the place where the second act should end with the major setback, it looks like the thugs may get Rosalind but, again, someone else rescues her. From a beat point-of-view, Rosalind learning of Ian’s cancer feels like the end of the second act but it doesn’t coincide with any goal that Rosalind has expressed until only a page before the disappointment.
Act III – this should be the protag’s final push toward goal achievement but this act doesn’t play out that way. Rosalind gives up on the Ian thing and returns to her husband. Donny gives up on the Big Guy and the diner just before the cops take him down. Joel is hauled away and returned to the orphanage. We learn that Arthur wins the election without knowing if Rosalind’s past was ever publicly revealed. All we get is a brief “we’ve separated” comment from Rosalind. She learns that Joel is her son, not Ian (something this reader knew all along), and that Joel dies of cancer. Rosalind bails Donny out of jail and the two stroll off into the sunset after Joel’s funeral. The end. The climatic turning point doesn’t even involve the protag – it’s Joel’s revelation that Donny’s book is still back in the diner.
STORY:
I was disappointed. The setup – a hard-hitting senator’s wife working to get him reelected and the possibility of a mob-enforcer derailing the plan – was intriguing but wasn’t really carried through. It morphed from what had the potential to be a dramatic political thriller into a melodramatic, MOW for Oxygen or Hallmark. The B-stories, something to do with the backgrounds of the cops, the judge that owed a ton of money to the mob and Donny’s unpaid debt, were never really explored or resolved (especially Donny’s bit – he can’t just show up unharmed at the end of the story without letting us know what happened to all the money he owed to the big guy). Much of it bordered on illogical and unbelievable, too. The Joel character never played like a 10-year-old, I couldn’t buy that a man running for U.S. Senator didn’t know his wife any better than Arthur “knew” Rosalind, and that Arthur’s opponent didn’t have the wherewithal to get the dirt on his opponent. There wasn’t much in the way of reversals – it played out just like I knew it would.
CHARACTERS:
During the first few pages, two things came to mind: Hillary Clinton and the movie The Contender. I don’t like Hillary but I was able to put that dislike aside. I’m a huge fan of The Contender and hoped this character would be as intriguing as the Joan Allen character. Sadly, she wasn’t. As a protag, she wasn’t active. Things happened to her. Decisions were made by others. There wasn’t a clear antag, either. Joel and Donny helped Rosalind come to grips with her true self, they didn’t impede any of her goals (whatever they were). Rosalind had an arc of sorts – she came to an acceptance of her roots – but I suspect that it was an acceptance forced on her by her husband as a result of her dishonesty. Nowhere does the story hint that Rosalind left Arthur because she couldn’t play the part anymore. Again, another instance of the protag’s life being moved in a direction by actions other than her own.
DIALOG:
Serviceable for the most part. Again, as mentioned earlier, Joel didn’t speak like a 10-year-old but had a unique voice. Same with Donny and Rosalind. It was easy to identify the speaker without knowing the name. One note – the “little fucker” reference toward the end needs to be removed for TV.
FORMAT:
No concerns other than those mentioned in the reading notes.
CONCEPT:
A girl from the wrong side of the tracks makes good but find true happiness only when she returns to her roots.
READING NOTES:
- p 1 – Gack, I hate it when I see a V.O. narration on page 1.
- Odd capitalization is a bit confusing
- p 3-4 – courtroom scene unrealistic
- Rosalind reminds me of Hillary Clinton.
- a number of formatting conventions ignored. Ex – unfilmable asides, unfilmable descriptions, numbers in dialog not written out, etc.
- Joel doesn’t sound remotely like a 10-year-old kid
- twelve pages in and I haven’t a clue who I’m supposed to be rooting for. Both of the main characters introduced – Rosalind and Donny – have been given equal screen time and both are thoroughly unlikeable so far.
- the more the story goes on, the more unbelievable it becomes primarily as a result of the Joel character. If he were 13 or 14, I could buy it but 10 is too young.
- if a bunch of 10-year-old kids could discover this stuff about Rosalind, why couldn’t the hired guns of the opponent get to it, too?
- p 35 – another major character introduced?
- by p 41, I’ve grown weary of this cat-and-mouse game between Joel and Donny and the ultra-passive protag (Rosalind?) who just goes along for the ride. As a movie, I don’t see this working on the big screen and even as a made-for-Hallmark TV flick, it’s pretty uninteresting. If I had managed to stay tuned ‘til this point, I would certainly change channels here.
- p 54 – ok, I see where this is going. The parentless Joel is going to end up with Rosalind. Please don’t let me be right.
- p 70 – the ball never gets hit to the farthest row of the nosebleed seats.
- p 75 – in the diner, Donny guarded his food with his right arm, not his left.
- if it’s a suspected kidnapping across state lines, why are Florida cops still involved? Wouldn’t it have been turned over to the FBI as soon as they crossed over from Florida into Georgia?
- p 100 – Rosalind’s speech is pure exposition. Boring!
- p 104 – feels like the major setback. Rosalind learns Ian is dying.
Back to The Senator's Wife
Like our previous reviewers, she too, has been recognized on TriggerStreet as “Reviewer of the Month.” She has three stories under her name that have shot up into Top Ten status and a new fourth story called Schism that seems to be headed for similar accolades.She’s very honest, and I so appreciate her time and thoughts.
-MM
----------------------------
STRUCTURE:Act I – three main characters introduced: Rosalind, Donny and Joel. Rosalind’s goal – to get her husband elected. Donny’s goal – to get his book back. Joel’s goal – to get Rosalind to visit Ian. Don’t know which one’s the protag – all three? No antags apparent yet. No idea about the theme. None of the characters are particularly likeable either. Not sure what the opportunity turning point is. Joel filching Donny’s book (and the trip to Florida) could be one but that happens a little late in the act. Rosalind hasn’t made any remarkable decisions through this point and is “rescued” at the end of the first act by her husband so that narrows the possibility that she’s an active protag. Donny hasn’t made any unforced decisions yet, either. Everything he’s done is a result of Joel’s blackmail. Joel is the only one so far to have made any affirmative decisions or taken a proactive stance.
Act II – the “change of plans” turning point should be a decision made by the protag that takes him/her in a new direction. There’s a change of plans, for sure, but it’s Donny throwing Rosalind into the Neon’s trunk that changes her plans, not a decision she, herself, made. Again, she’s not an active protag. Things happen to her and around her – she just reacts to circumstances. Midway through the second act, there should have been a “point of no return” where the protag decides that there’s no turning back, that she has to see the thing out come hell or high water. I can’t find anything that resembles this turning point. There’s a point where Rosalind thinks about leaving but Donny pulls her out of the cab rather than Rosalind taking the action. Also, near the place where the second act should end with the major setback, it looks like the thugs may get Rosalind but, again, someone else rescues her. From a beat point-of-view, Rosalind learning of Ian’s cancer feels like the end of the second act but it doesn’t coincide with any goal that Rosalind has expressed until only a page before the disappointment.
Act III – this should be the protag’s final push toward goal achievement but this act doesn’t play out that way. Rosalind gives up on the Ian thing and returns to her husband. Donny gives up on the Big Guy and the diner just before the cops take him down. Joel is hauled away and returned to the orphanage. We learn that Arthur wins the election without knowing if Rosalind’s past was ever publicly revealed. All we get is a brief “we’ve separated” comment from Rosalind. She learns that Joel is her son, not Ian (something this reader knew all along), and that Joel dies of cancer. Rosalind bails Donny out of jail and the two stroll off into the sunset after Joel’s funeral. The end. The climatic turning point doesn’t even involve the protag – it’s Joel’s revelation that Donny’s book is still back in the diner.
STORY:
I was disappointed. The setup – a hard-hitting senator’s wife working to get him reelected and the possibility of a mob-enforcer derailing the plan – was intriguing but wasn’t really carried through. It morphed from what had the potential to be a dramatic political thriller into a melodramatic, MOW for Oxygen or Hallmark. The B-stories, something to do with the backgrounds of the cops, the judge that owed a ton of money to the mob and Donny’s unpaid debt, were never really explored or resolved (especially Donny’s bit – he can’t just show up unharmed at the end of the story without letting us know what happened to all the money he owed to the big guy). Much of it bordered on illogical and unbelievable, too. The Joel character never played like a 10-year-old, I couldn’t buy that a man running for U.S. Senator didn’t know his wife any better than Arthur “knew” Rosalind, and that Arthur’s opponent didn’t have the wherewithal to get the dirt on his opponent. There wasn’t much in the way of reversals – it played out just like I knew it would.
CHARACTERS:
During the first few pages, two things came to mind: Hillary Clinton and the movie The Contender. I don’t like Hillary but I was able to put that dislike aside. I’m a huge fan of The Contender and hoped this character would be as intriguing as the Joan Allen character. Sadly, she wasn’t. As a protag, she wasn’t active. Things happened to her. Decisions were made by others. There wasn’t a clear antag, either. Joel and Donny helped Rosalind come to grips with her true self, they didn’t impede any of her goals (whatever they were). Rosalind had an arc of sorts – she came to an acceptance of her roots – but I suspect that it was an acceptance forced on her by her husband as a result of her dishonesty. Nowhere does the story hint that Rosalind left Arthur because she couldn’t play the part anymore. Again, another instance of the protag’s life being moved in a direction by actions other than her own.
DIALOG:
Serviceable for the most part. Again, as mentioned earlier, Joel didn’t speak like a 10-year-old but had a unique voice. Same with Donny and Rosalind. It was easy to identify the speaker without knowing the name. One note – the “little fucker” reference toward the end needs to be removed for TV.
FORMAT:
No concerns other than those mentioned in the reading notes.
CONCEPT:
A girl from the wrong side of the tracks makes good but find true happiness only when she returns to her roots.
READING NOTES:
- p 1 – Gack, I hate it when I see a V.O. narration on page 1.
- Odd capitalization is a bit confusing
- p 3-4 – courtroom scene unrealistic
- Rosalind reminds me of Hillary Clinton.
- a number of formatting conventions ignored. Ex – unfilmable asides, unfilmable descriptions, numbers in dialog not written out, etc.
- Joel doesn’t sound remotely like a 10-year-old kid
- twelve pages in and I haven’t a clue who I’m supposed to be rooting for. Both of the main characters introduced – Rosalind and Donny – have been given equal screen time and both are thoroughly unlikeable so far.
- the more the story goes on, the more unbelievable it becomes primarily as a result of the Joel character. If he were 13 or 14, I could buy it but 10 is too young.
- if a bunch of 10-year-old kids could discover this stuff about Rosalind, why couldn’t the hired guns of the opponent get to it, too?
- p 35 – another major character introduced?
- by p 41, I’ve grown weary of this cat-and-mouse game between Joel and Donny and the ultra-passive protag (Rosalind?) who just goes along for the ride. As a movie, I don’t see this working on the big screen and even as a made-for-Hallmark TV flick, it’s pretty uninteresting. If I had managed to stay tuned ‘til this point, I would certainly change channels here.
- p 54 – ok, I see where this is going. The parentless Joel is going to end up with Rosalind. Please don’t let me be right.
- p 70 – the ball never gets hit to the farthest row of the nosebleed seats.
- p 75 – in the diner, Donny guarded his food with his right arm, not his left.
- if it’s a suspected kidnapping across state lines, why are Florida cops still involved? Wouldn’t it have been turned over to the FBI as soon as they crossed over from Florida into Georgia?
- p 100 – Rosalind’s speech is pure exposition. Boring!
- p 104 – feels like the major setback. Rosalind learns Ian is dying.
Back to The Senator's Wife
