Rolling Stones or Beatles?

So you meet someone, and you think you might kind of be interested, maybe. Want to know how to find out in 5 seconds or less what kind of person you're dealing with? There's one key question every girl needs to ask: Beatles or Rolling Stones?

You see, this question establishes the philosophical position of this new boy that intrigues you for whatever ridiculous excuse for attraction. (Giant goon? Snaggle tooth? Fingerless gloves?) It also chops the bullshit time in half, so you don't need to waste your night trying to decipher this guy's visual code and create a drunken mirage of him in your head. While an American Apparel head band betrays a penchant for hipster accessories and causes the need for a quick gay-or-not-gay internal inventory, that head band isn't going to tell you all that much. And while a dime-a-dozen button down (yawn) probably means he works a boring job that you don't understand and plays golf, I've seen a button down (maybe two?) act as a cruel foil to the truth of what lies under it. (Those few are the ones who totally defy the laws of logic behind my magic question, so we can leave them out of it.) Point is, what you see isn't always what you get, and what you see doesn't nearly tell you what you need to know.

So why roam thru the crowded basement bars trying to figure out your prospects in this scavenger hunt manner? We aren't twelve anymore, and there's no candy. All you have to do is ask the only question that matters: Beatles or Rolling Stones?

This question beats "What's your favorite band?" because the answer to that question can be serendipitous or the worst-case scenario "I like everything." Beatles or Stones forces the dude to make a stand, and like a true or false question on a Scantron test, he can't ever really erase the mark once he's made it.

Answer: ROLLING STONES

Okay, the Rolling Stones basically stand for pure sex. Mick Jagger's mouth is one of the most iconic images of desire that America's got. So if your guy chooses RS, you're probably going to get laid! Good for you. Contrary to popular belief, RS boys are not complete cultural philistines; they just happen to like real, hard rock and roll. (They know it's only rock and roll, but they like it.) RS guys are usually pretty damn sure of themselves, if not out and out cocky, and they like to party and play and go for it. Like a Renaissance poet, Jagger begs every girl to just go to bed with him, if for nothing else than for the fact that the world could end tomorrow in a massive nuclear blast or an ozone depletion tsunami. So I would say if you want someone spontaneous, secure in his existential reality (yes, the world really could end tomorrow) and probably really, really fun, then this is the guy for you. But don't expect anything the morning after with an RS guy. You may never see him again. Don't even think you could be the exception to this rule. Mick Jagger left Bianca Jagger for Jerry Hall, and Bianca Jagger is probably the hottest woman to ever walk the planet in Halston and fabulous heels. "Tiiiii-iiii-iiiiime is on my side," after all, so there's no reason to settle down. Or, “don’t expect for it to last forever/it never does/but it sure beats talking bout the weather/it surely does.”

Answer: THE BEATLES

The Beatles boy is used to sweet, lovely, melodic structures that are so familiar to him that they've actually become a part of his existence. He believes in love and spirituality (and maybe even the two together!) and he wants to be considerate, polite, and kind to every girl he meets. He enjoys working on a team, probably has a gaggle of guy friends that he spends all his time with, and has a hilarious, goofy streak. He will buy you drinks, walk you to the subway, get your phone number, and actually call you. He will want to make out with you, and he'll want to take you to bed too, but he won't necessarily do it on that first night. There's a time and place for everything, and "all you need is love," so he's more apt to just let the world do its work and see what happens. Of course for every "Michelle" there's a "Why Don't We Do It In The Road," but I'm pretty sure those two young lovers were in a long-term, committed relationship. He also mourns his past loves and has a LOT of feelings. ("For No One" is probably one of the saddest songs ever written.) He aims for emotional maturity and creativity. Another point scored for the Beatles boy is he has intellectual goals and is open to new things (see: George Harrison and religion.)

So take your pick. You can get a quick fix with RS guy (which could lead to something more, you never know) or you can take it slow with Beatles boy. Anything could happen really, but in my experience, in every case, you can get as close to the bottom of a personality that you can get in the shortest amount of time with that one little question.

Of course you should have a strong sense of your own answer before he spits his out, and it's okay if you go Stones-Stones, Beatles-Stones, or Beatles-Beatles. At least you'll know what you're getting yourself into, whether you're listening to "Heart of Stone" or "If I Fell."

And obviously some people don't follow these types to a tee, but I'm pretty sure if a guy tells you he likes the Beatles more than the Stones, you have a sensitive soul on your hands, and if he picks Mick and Co. over Lennon/McCartney, he's going to care about getting what he wants out of the situation more than anything else, even if he is a nice guy.

We like what we like for a reason. I'm a Rolling Stones girl, myself, but I'm much more complicated than that.