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1. You can't eat normal foods. Somehow vegetables and salad greens (the mere thought of them) make you gag a little bit. But you don't wanna eat anything unhealthy because you need to remain skinny to attract that one person you desire more than all the others. So the day passes by, and at 8:00 PM you realize all you've ingested during the course of the day was a 7:00 AM non-fat latte, Diet Coke (wish it had been Diet Pepsi, dammit), and water. And that's why you've got the shakes!
2. When you do give into your growling stomach, the only thing you can stuff in your face are carbohydrates, and not the good whole-grain kind, but the most unhealthy ones that exist: white bread, plain bagels, grilled cheese, salty chips, and CHOCOLATE. The "Cloud Cookie Coma" (shout out, Brooklyn Standard) exists for you to make yourself sick by eating DEATH chocolate at the speed of Speedy Gonzales on an empty stomach.
3. Every night you come home exhausted and cannot fall asleep because you toss and turn, going over the hypothetical details to the lead-up to the boning that you wanna do with that one person whose black eyes are burned into the projector screen of your skull.
4. When you do finally fall into a dull, un-deep, tooth-grinding sleep at 4 in the morning, you wind up sleeping till 3 PM the next day. The sun's almost down for the count, and you wanna kill yourself because you wasted your daylight hours on depressing and hopeless dreams that you can't even remember. And then you just have to laugh because maybe all this melodrama/vampire bed-keeping hours has something to do with the cultural phenomenon that is TWILIGHT.
5. Caffeination Nation begins the minute you step foot out the front door, no matter the hour. You feel naked without a coffee beverage clutched in your trembling, ungloved hand.
6. When you switch from the caffeine to the alcohol while out with your invincible, tireless friends (thank God for them, for listening to your neurotic/impulsive/crazylocalokacraziest problemas) you drink way too fast and don't feel it till you hit the 7-beverage-wall and then vomit*** out everything, crying because your heart's so stuffed up with love and anxiety.
7. ***Not before the WORD VOMIT, of course. Thanks again, aforementioned, tough-as-balls-to-the-walls confidants.
8. Your iPod playlists consist of sad-sack rubble. Example: "Samson" by Regina Spektor, "I Wanna Die" by Adam Green, "Can't Live (If Living Is Without You)" by Air Supply, "The First Cut is the Deepest" by Rod Stewart, Cat Stevens OR Sheryl Crow, "Unattainable" by Little Joy, "The Way I Feel Inside" by The Zombies, "Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin, "It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)" by Bob Dylan, "We've Got Tonight" by Bob Seger, "Headache" by Girls, and the ULTIMATE LOVELORN SONG OF THE PAST CENTURY "Between the Bars" by the saddest sack of them all, Elliott Smith.
9. Weekends: desperation kicks in because you're not with him or her, and the hours go slow, and you delude yourself into thinking you're having a good time, complete with elaborately accessorized dresses, the highest heels you have, bad Pop playlists and false enthusiasm for mundane get-togethers and regular cocktails.
10. Free time: you spend it listing pros and cons, reasons to stay miserable and reasons to move on. And blogging lists like these when you could be doing something much more productive like finishing your Christmas shopping, writing scholarly essays, volunteering for Amnesty International, or running 3 miles in 27 minutes.
11. You used to wake up alone and sad about your ex, but now when you think of him you wistfully smile and remember him fondly. Aw, fuck. Life goes on.
12. Your tendency for over-analyzation runs rampant like an unnamed and unclassified beast a la Where the Wild Things Are. You're the victim in this unrequited love situation, but your mostly a victim of yourself, your own un-back-down-able challenge for one-person domination, and keeping it real, chill and together all at the same time. Good luck. I hope you can defeat yourself with this one.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not necessarily in love at the present but I always wish I was.
