Boys, I just don't look at you anymore. Let me lament that I never sucked face with a French teenager with a horrible nose.
I think I did my best to kiss my way around the world. But I'm missing a few strays that I'd have liked to have rescued. Dear Donald, we never got the chance for you to give me Herpes.
I will regret that I was never old enough to be a Strokes groupie.
But somehow, it doesn't matter. I'll never lust over another dishwasher again. Nor will I covet my neighbor's hipster with weed baggies in his left skinny jeans pocket. Oh, dirt magnets and DJ's, how you got me through the worst of times! Oh, old man professors and cave man economists, how you saved me from an endless dinner with people who hated my guts!
Oh, disgusting, oh, drug-addicted. I loved you all so much it got me thru it all more than 55 lattes and bourbons put together!
I love my lover. I love cilantro and avocado and reliability and texts at 8 in the morning. There will always be new music and movies. There will never be a new guy. But here's to all the boys who came before him. Here's to the Crazy that will be crazy no more.
