Let us open with a word of prayer.“Oh, great film goddess, Pelicula,
who weaves magic for everyone in showbiz from hopeful actors and writers to animal trainers and gate guards, who allows the most magnificent films to be born out of the most nightmarish productions, who turns ordinary moments into serendipitous ones, often propelling careers at the same time…
Oh great film goddess, Pelicula, we come to you today with humble hearts in this very dark period of cinema history… We beg for your wisdom to see beyond the shortsighted gurus, the endurance to combat all the formula freaks of the world, and the patience to sit with the most ignorant of producers and studio executives.
We need your wisdom now more than ever, as we walk through the valley of the shadow of Hollywood horseshit.
We ask all these things in your honor, and everyone said:
‘AMEN.’”
Friends, open up the Good Book of Screenwriting and turn with me now to the Gospel of Mystery, chapter 3, verse 16:
“And thus saith MM: ‘CHARACTER COMES FIRST!’”
Did you get that? Let me read it once more:
“And thus saith MM: ‘CHARACTER COMES FIRST!’”
Paul Haggis told the world prior to the release of Quantum of Solace to expect a very minimalistic James Bond. And thus, he provided the very reason we are feeling disappointment today – the delineation of character. What did we just read? “CHARACTER COMES FIRST!”
Consider the words of the critics. What did Ebert say? “James Bond is not an action hero! Leave the action to your Jason Bournes. This is a swampy old world. The deeper we sink in, the more we need James Bond to stand above it.” How about A.O. Scott of the New York Times? “That one, called Camille, is played by Olga Kurylenko, whose specialty seems to be appearing in action pictures as the pouty, sexy sidekick of a brooding, vengeful hero. Not only Daniel Craig’s Bond, but also Mark Wahlberg’s Max Payne and Timothy Olyphant’s Hitman. James Bond is a much livelier character than either of those mopey video-game ciphers, but he shares with them the astonishing ability to resist, indeed to ignore, Ms. Kurylenko’s physical charms… [While] there is certainly impressive depth and subtlety in Mr. Craig’s wounded, whispery menace — it also makes him harder to distinguish from every other grieving, seething avenger at the multiplex. Which is to say just about every one.” What are these critics telling us?
CHARACTER COMES FIRST!
Can I get an “amen” out there?
“AMEN!”
What makes us love James Bond movies? Is it the action?
“No!”
Oh, please. Give me a “Hell, no!”
“HELL, NO!”
Is it the girls, perhaps?
“HELL, NO!”
How about the pretty locations?
“HELL, NO!”
The gadgets, right? I know some of you feel gadget-envy…
“HELL, NO!”
All right, what is it? I give up.
“JAMES BOND!”
I’m sorry. I can’t hear you.
“JAMES BOND!”
Ohhh, so you want to see those films because of CHARACTER…
“AMEN!”
Hehehe…
Let’s say the devil comes knocking on your door (looking suspiciously like Robert McKee) and he says “I have a suggestion – write a minimalistic James Bond...” What are you going to tell him?
“HELL, NO!”
What did you say?
“HELL, NO!”
What did Scott Frank tell William Goldman about characters?
“Character is everything… Character is what makes us give a shit. Don’t you think?” Yes, I do! And what's that verse in Mystery 3:16?
“CHARACTER COMES FIRST!”
Let’s talk villains. There is nothing worse than a WEAK ANTAGONIST, am I wrong? What did Hitchcock say about villains? “The more successful the villain, the more successful the picture.” So when it comes to the art of creating villains, what's the rule again?
“CHARACTER COMES FIRST!”
What did you say?
“CHARACTER COMES FIRST!”
Hehehe…
And now, my friends, it is time to turn your hearts over to the gospel of characters. Choir, I want you to sing “Amazing Characters.” Members of the screenwriting congregation, I want you to come foreward to the alter of characters, confess your sins, and repent…
"Amazing Characters, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretched-screenwriter like me...
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see…”
That’s right… Come on up here…
All you aspiring screenwriters out there, get off your blessed assurances right-fucking-now and come to screenwriting’s precious altar and give your hearts over to characters…
“T'was Characters that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Characters, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Character appear...
the hour I first believed…
All you supposed “pros” out there, do you think you’re so special? Get up here and repent right now, dammit!
That means you Paul Haggis! Think you’re above the law of characters because you got a little gold statue for Crash? Don’t ever “minimalize” James Bond or any other character again! You have sinned and fallen short of the glory of screenwriting! Get up here and repent!
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Characters that brought us safe thus far...
and Characters will lead us home.
Those of you who adapted video games this year, turn your hearts over to characters! Skip Woods, where are you? Get up here for writing Hitman! You failed to learn from Swordfish. Beau Michael Thorne, I know you’re out there. Confess before Pelicula today your sins for all the shitty characters in Max Payne!
Characters have promised good to me...
Their word my hope secures.
They will my shield and portion be...
as long as films endures…
Lawrence Kasdan, you need to find peace over the disaster that was Dreamcatcher and promise you will never fail characters again as you did with your Clash of the Titans script… Akiva Goldsman, why are you looking so smug? You ought to repent for every Batman script you ever wrote… and for putting exposition above characters in The Da Vinci Code. Repent, you bastard writer, repent! David Koepp, get your pompous little ass up here. That’s right! Get on your knees, mother fucker, for the travesty that was Indy IV…
When we've been here one hundred years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing Characters’ praise...
then when we've first begun.
Woody Allen, where are you? The voice over in Vicky Cristina Barcelona delineated your characters! Get up here and repent! J. Michael Straczynski, you cared more about moral injustice and historical accuracy than you did the character of Christine Collins! Repent! M. Night Shymalan, you are not God! You are a sinner! Pray for forgiveness for Lady in the Water and The Happening! That means you, too, George Lucas, you failed all of your characters in Star Wars with those damn prequels… You failed Indiana Jones, too! Embrace the gospel of characters or find yourself in movie purgatory!
Why am I singling people out? The entire industry needs to beg for forgiveness! That’s right! Not just writers but producers, too! You people approved those scripts! What the hell were you thinking? Get up here! Everyone, and I mean everyone, ON YOUR KNEES NOW! REPENT TODAY! Cry out to Pelicula, “I have sinned and lost sight of my characters! I failed to listen to my characters… I cared more about action than arcs... I imposed my own personal agenda ahead of the goals of my characters… I admit, I failed them… I hereby place my faith and trust in characters… I will never turn back…”
"Amazing Characters, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretched-screenwriter like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see…”
